Greg was cleaning out an old desk of ours and he came across a printed copy of the story Roger and Elaine. Forget about Mars and Venus, in myopinion, this story is the best description of the differences between men and women and how we perceive relationships. I have been known to show this story to friends who are having relationship issues. Enjoy!
The Story of Roger and ElaineBy Dave Barry
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Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their.... .
"'Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, I feel so.....''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car. But he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
The g*rshm@n family of Pikesville/Mt. Washington has been chosen to be a Nielson TV family for this next week. Starting tonight, we will have to record everything we watch on TV in our nifty little Nielson diary. We got paid $15 in cash for this little escapade. I can't believe how much power we were given. I have to keep reminding myself of the famous adage, "With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility."
It truly is amazing to be one of the chosen ones.
Gila and I were watching the Yeshiva Boys Choir DVD today and I casually mentioned that we know two of the boys in the choir and I pointed them out to her. I told her they are our good friend's nephews and that they used to live in Baltimore. Gila got a gleam in her eyes and said, "and their in Yeshiva Boys Choir, and we know them? THAT IS SO COOL!!!!!"
It is somewhat ironic to me that Gila has been woken up on numerous occasions in the morning to watch videos of her uncle who had played on Letterman or Leno the night before. She has seen Uncle Benj on ESPN with the band. We have a freakin Gold Record hanging on our wall. Yet she is totally unphased by any of this. Not that I expect a five year old to have a clue about it, but I just found it funny that she was in awe of the fact that we know two members of the esteemed Yeshiva Boys Choir (two members who she hasn't even met) yet she has no clue that her uncle really can potentially become famous (at least in the music world) and she doesn't care. Funny.
The irony of life. (and death).
Here are excerpts from today's Baltimore Sun Obituaries .
Sidney Harrison Jr., 38, motorcycle enthusiast
Sidney Fred Harrison Jr., who ran a home-improvement business and was an avid motorcyclist, died in a motorcycle accident Tuesday in Madisonville, Tenn. ...
And
Adam Paul Klank, 22, caregiver, outdoor enthusiast
Services for Adam Paul Klank, a caregiver and outdoor enthusiast who drowned Thursday in Prettyboy Reservoir, were held yesterday in Timonium. The Glenville, Pa., resident was 22.
I am not trying to make light of these deaths and this post is not meant to be tongue in cheek. My heart truly goes out to the families of these men who obviously died tragically at extremely young ages.
I just find it ironic and somewhat tragic that the things that these men had such an enthusiasm for ultimately led to their untimely passings. It is sad.